Photo: Melzter emplores the staff of an empty Borders to please stop talking about last night's "Lost" and listen to some thing he wrote about Superman or something.
April 1, 2010, Miami, Florida. Last night, at the annual meeting of the Writer's Club, a petition was circulated requesting that New York Times bestselling thriller writer Brad Meltzer no longer be allowed to practice the fine art of writing. To that end, Meltzer should no longer be permitted to possess a pen, a pencil, or of course, a keyboard.
In support of the petition, the following sworn testimonies, all written by the authors themselves, were delivered at last night's meeting (and in no way did this have anything to do with today being the 40th birthday of Meltzer, or the fact he was born on April 1).
“For the sheer level of purple prose, inept plotting, snotty-nosed characters and the overall pathetic quality of his entire oeuvre, Meltzer stands alone. He is our Lincoln of crappy fiction. Happy 40th Birthday, Brad, and save some trees.”
- David Baldacci
“I don't really have time to waste on a guy who single-handedly lowered the level of the political thriller to zero. Basically, Brad Meltzer sucks out loud.”
- Nora Roberts
"Whilst on the toilet, there is simply nothing better than the collected works of Brad Meltzer. Not to read, mind you, but to wipe with."
- Damon Lindelof, co-creator, LOST
"As Wonder Woman's writerly alter ego, all I can offer as a birthday challenge is that my DC character could kick the butt of any of his DC characters. Game on, Brad!"
- Jodi Picoult
"Oh God, Meltzer again. I'm not 100% sure that the drivel this wretched ex-catamite produces is bad for western civilisation, but I know it's bad for me."
- Garth Ennis
"Meltzer has packed more clichés, hackneyed plot twists, and feeble minded characterizations into his relatively short, but bewilderingly uninterrupted career than most writers find possible in a lifetime. The damage he's done to comics, an art form he purports to love, is incalculable, and will take generations to repair."
- Phil Hester
Read more testimonials here.